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Beruntunglah mereka yang menikah sebelum mapan. Berbahagialah mereka yang mendapatkan pasangan yang belum mapan. Banyak laki-laki yang menunda menikah dengan alasan ‘belum mapan’.
Saya tak ingin memperdebatkan apa definisi ‘mapan’ di sini, karena mapan bagi setiap orang punya ukuran yang berbeda-beda. Tapi, bagi mereka yang masih ragu untuk menikah karena menunggu mapan, izinkanlah saya memberi nasihat yang baru: Menikahlah sebelum mapan!
Saya selalu suka kalimat John Donne yang pernah juga dipelesetkan Abraham Heschel, katanya: ‘No man is an island’, tak ada laki-laki yang menjadi pulau bagi dirinya sendiri.
Artinya, tak ada seorangpun yang bisa hidup sendirian, seperti sebuah pulau yang tak membutuhkan orang lain. Setiap orang selalu membutuhkan orang lain untuk berbagi dan mengisi sesuatu yang ‘kosong’ dalam hidupnya. Dalam konsep ini, menurut Donne, tak ada seorang pun di dunia ini yang ‘mapan’.
Jika seorang yang hendak menikah memiliki cara berpikir demikian, maka pernikahan bisa didekati dengan cara yang lebih rendah hati. Jika seorang laki-laki bisa berpikir ‘saya belum mapan’, misalnya, maka ia akan mendekati istrinya sebagai seseorang yang akan menyempurnakan hal-hal yang belum mapan dalam dirinya.
Bagi saya, mapan tentu saja bukan soal kekayaan atau kepemilikan saja, mapan adalah soal kesanggupan individu dalam menghadapi berabagai tantangan dalam hidupnya. Kalau mapan hanya soal uang atau karir, bukankah banyak yang berlebih secara materi dan gemilang di tempat kerja tapi tak sanggup menghadapi ego dan amarahnya sendiri? Nah!
Dengan pemahaman baru ‘menikah sebelum mapan’, seseorang akan menghadapi pasangannya dengan penuh penghargaan. Karena ia sadar bahwa dalam diri pasangan tersebut ada sisi-sisi yang akan menyempurnakan dirinya. Bayangkan kalau cara berpikir seperti ini tidak ada dalam sebuah pernikahan, hubungan suami-istri akan melulu atas-bawah, subordinatif, dan cenderung tidak adil.
Tidak sedikit suami yang karena merasa bahwa dialah yang memiliki ‘penghasilan’, dialah yang punya uang, dialah yang hidupnya ‘mapan’, dialah yang bersinar di dunia luar, malah merendahkan dan tidak menghargai istrinya.
Jika nekad menikah sebelum mapan, lantas istri dan anak mau dikasih makan apa—dikasih makan cinta? Barangkali pertanyaan itu benar-benar terasa mengganggu. Tapi orang-orang lupa bahwa mapan tak sama dan sebangun dengan rasa tanggung jawab. Yang dibutuhkan dalam pernikahan bukanlah harta yang berlimpah, tapi rasa tanggung jawab yang cukup.
Percuma saja punya kekayaan banyak tapi tak bertanggung jawab, kan? Banyak kok suami yang rela membuat istri dan anak-anaknya ‘susah’ tetapi memanjakan dirinya sendiri—malah memanjakan selingkuhannya. Artinya, harta yang banyak tak akan berarti apa-apa dalam pernikahan jika kita tak punya banyak cinta untuk menjalaninya.
Suatu hari saya ditanya soal mewujudkan impian bersama dalam rumah tangga, “Bagaimana meyakinkan istri atau suami agar mau bersama-sama mewujudkan impian besar yang kita miliki?”
Jawabannya tentu saja sederhana. Pertama-tama, berpikirlah bahwa kita adalah individu yang tidak sempurna, bahwa kita selalu membutuhkan bantuan orang lain, bahwa kita membutuhkan partner untuk mewujudkan impian-impian kita.
Dengan merasa bahwa kita 'tidak sempurna’, maka kita akan terus menjadi ‘pribadi yang membelum’, pribadi yang selalu dalam proses… Di sanalah akan tercipta kesalingpahaman antara suami dan istri. Selanjutnya, keduanya akan sama-sama menjalin komitmen untuk bersama mewujudkan impian-impian besar yang mereka miliki.
Dengan merasa bahwa kita 'tidak sempurna’, maka kita akan terus menjadi ‘pribadi yang membelum’, pribadi yang selalu dalam proses… Di sanalah akan tercipta kesalingpahaman antara suami dan istri. Selanjutnya, keduanya akan sama-sama menjalin komitmen untuk bersama mewujudkan impian-impian besar yang mereka miliki.
Tapi, jangan hanya saling mengerti untuk mewujudkan impian-impian besar saja! Pernikahan bukan hanya tentang mewujudkan impian-impian besar, tapi juga menjalani hal-hal kecil di keseharian. Jika yang ada dalam pikiran Anda hanya ingin mewujudkan impian-impian besar, sebaiknya jangan menikah, tapi ikutlah organisasi atau partai politik!
Lantas apakah dengan menikah seseorang yang ‘belum mapan’ akan menjadi mapan? Belum tentu. Tergantung kualitas pernikahan itu sendiri. Dan kualitas pernikahan ditentukan oleh pola hubungan antara suami dan istri.
Banyak suami atau istri yang memperlakukan pasangannya dengan prinsip relasi ‘aku-kamu’, dengan menganggap pihak ‘kamu’ hanya sebagai objek atau benda yang tak memiliki kehendak atau pilihan-pilihan.
Tentu saja relasi semacam ini miskin empati. Dalam relasi ‘aku-kamu’ semacam ini, pusat kepentingan ada di ‘aku’ dan ‘kamu’ adalah pihak luar, kamu adalah yang harus memerhatikan aku, kamu adalah yang harus nurut, kamu adalah objek yang tidak merdeka.
Martin Buber, filsuf asal Austria, menawarkan pola hubungan lain yang lebih baik. Ia menyebutnya ‘aku dan engkau’ (I and Thou atau Ich und Du). Dalam relasi aku-engkau, kata Buber, ‘engkau’ lebih dihargai sebagai subjek yang setara.
Karena dalam diri ‘engkau’ ada bagian dari ‘aku’. Pemisah antara aku dan engkau bukan sekadar hak dan kewajiban, tetapi ikatan yang saling menguatkan.
Jika kita melihatnya dalam konteks pernikahan, dalam hubungan ‘aku-engkau’ cara pandangnya bukan semata-mata tentang apa kewajiban serta hak-hak suami terhadap istrinya, atau sebaliknya, tetapi lebih kepada hubungan kasih-sayang—juga rasa cinta.
Jika hubungan rumah tangga di bangun di atas prinsip ini, tak ada lagi persoalan ‘siapa harus menghormati siapa’ atau ‘siapa harus menurut kepada siapa’ sebab segalanya berdasar pada ‘aku melakukan ini dan tidak melakukan itu karena aku menyayangimu’.
Kembali pada diskusi kita soal kemapanan, individu yang lebih menghargai individu lainnya, suami yang lebih berempati pada istrinya, memiliki peluang lebih besar untuk mapan dalam pernikahannya.
Sekali lagi, mapan bukan hanya soal kepemilikan kapital dan kecukupan finansial, tetapi ‘mapan’ dalam pengertian yang lebih luas: Menjadi pribadi dewasa yang sanggup menghadapi beragam tantangan dalam hidupnya. Dengan modal kemapanan semacam ini, pernikahan yang bahagia tentu merupakan sesuatu yang niscaya.
Akhirnya, bagi saya, prinsip ‘menikah sebelum mapan’ adalah pilihan orang-orang cerdas yang penuh optimisme sakligus empati. Bagi yang sedang mencari pasangan, carilah orang yang seperti ini. Carilah orang yang akan mengajak Anda sukses dan bahagia bersama, bukan orang yang merasa sudah sukses lalu hanya akan menjadikan Anda ‘pelengkap’ saja.
Maka benarlah firman Allah dalam Al-Quran, istrimu adalah pakaian bagimu dan kamu adalah pakaian baginya (Al-Baqarah 187). Suami adalah individu yang belum mapan tanpa istrinya, dan istri adalah pribadi yang belum sempurna tanpa suaminya.
Jadi, bagaimana? Masih menunggu mapan untuk menikah? Sampai kapan?
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